In 2 days time, it will be the anniversary of the day my life changed. In some ways, this feels worse than the EDD ever did. Back when it happened, I had no idea that a year from then I would still be stuck. Waiting. At that point I had it in my mind that a miscarriage is what every woman has to go through at some point. It was a blip. An anomaly. Unlikely to happen again.
Fast forward 12 months and I've had a second miscarriage and I've found out that DH has morphology issues with his sperm so the chance of me getting pregnant naturally is much reduced. I don't honestly know whether I will ever be ready to try again, or if it's even worth risking more heartache.
I have more good days than bad now, and my miscarriages are no longer the first thing on my mind upon waking, but I know the next few days are going to be bad.
Monday, 24 February 2014
Sunday, 5 January 2014
Making happy changes in my life.
I have been looking for some time for some way to appreciate the life that I have more, to stop comparing myself to others and to find out what I really want. After the second miscarriage I found myself talking to a few people about where to go next, what routes to take etc. I felt so much differently second time around- after the first miscarriage I was so desperate to be pregnant again immediately that it turned into an obesession that saw me becoming more and more frantic and despondent as time went on. After the second miscarriage though, the desperation just hasn't been there. Perhaps it's fear, which would be understandable, perhaps I am a bit more self aware this time and realise I need to allow myself time to grieve and reflect. All I know is at this stage I'm not sure I want to be pregnant (although in another way, I really do)- I'm confused.
My confused mindset is probably another blog post entirely, but I wanted to share something I found in a magazine with you ( as well as note these points down for posterity as I tend to recycle my mags). They're a set of guidelines if you will, on how to achieve happiness in your life. I'm heartened to see that a few of the pointers are things that I have actively, intuitively done since MC no. 2. I can't say I'm finding them easy- I am naturally inclined to be a glass slightly half empty person, but I can see how if I develop these things into habits, they will help me to improve and appreciate the great life I already have.
1. Spent 10/15 minutes a day clearing up clutter/keeping on top of paperwork.
2. Have at least 3 early nights per week.
3. Make time to think back and reminisce over your happy memories.
4. Take time out to laugh- be it a TV programme/ book night/comedy club.
5. Do something you loved to do when you were a child.
6. Dedicate time to an activity you've never done before that you need to learn.
7. Arrange new friend get togethers or go out and meet new people.
8. Record what you are grateful for every day in a gratitude diary.
9. Take time to lend support to people.
10. Plan time to spend having fun with friends and family- something to look forward to.
I'll be letting you know how I get on!
Friday, 3 January 2014
On the unfairness of life.
Last night I lost it a little bit.
I decided that what would be a really good idea would be to torture myself by looking at the photos of people on my facebook who had recently added to their families. A bit like the old programme 'Bullseye' where Jim Bowen would torment the losers at the end of the show with '...and this is what you could have won!'
In my case, I saw what I have lost. Those lovely pictures of a child meeting their younger brother or sister for the first time and the joy and pride on the faces of the parents. One 'friend' in particular, (i call them a friend, i don't really actually know them), is onto her third child, each with that 'perfect' 2 year gap between them. I imagine she has never known the pain of loss or even of having to try, month after relentless month to achieve something everyone else seems to be able to at the drop of a hat.
I flew into a bit of a rage. I wanted her to feel just an ounce of what I, and so many others i've met on this sad journey, have felt. I'm ashamed to say I wanted to wipe the smug smile off her face. It sometimes feels very cruel that the world keeps spinning when my babies are dead. I don't like having these feelings. I know they are irrational. I know everyone else's fertility has no bearing whatsoever on my own. I know, from the last few months speaking to people on Twitter and on a popular parenting website I frequent that my story is not, by any means the worst. I am super super lucky to have a child AT ALL, something which I've been keeping in mind A LOT since the last MC.
I have a lovely life, I have more than so many others in this world and I KNOW I should be grateful.
Some days are just so hard.
I decided that what would be a really good idea would be to torture myself by looking at the photos of people on my facebook who had recently added to their families. A bit like the old programme 'Bullseye' where Jim Bowen would torment the losers at the end of the show with '...and this is what you could have won!'
In my case, I saw what I have lost. Those lovely pictures of a child meeting their younger brother or sister for the first time and the joy and pride on the faces of the parents. One 'friend' in particular, (i call them a friend, i don't really actually know them), is onto her third child, each with that 'perfect' 2 year gap between them. I imagine she has never known the pain of loss or even of having to try, month after relentless month to achieve something everyone else seems to be able to at the drop of a hat.
I flew into a bit of a rage. I wanted her to feel just an ounce of what I, and so many others i've met on this sad journey, have felt. I'm ashamed to say I wanted to wipe the smug smile off her face. It sometimes feels very cruel that the world keeps spinning when my babies are dead. I don't like having these feelings. I know they are irrational. I know everyone else's fertility has no bearing whatsoever on my own. I know, from the last few months speaking to people on Twitter and on a popular parenting website I frequent that my story is not, by any means the worst. I am super super lucky to have a child AT ALL, something which I've been keeping in mind A LOT since the last MC.
I have a lovely life, I have more than so many others in this world and I KNOW I should be grateful.
Some days are just so hard.
Wednesday, 1 January 2014
2013- A year in review.
So, 2013 started off with a bang- well a BFP at any rate. We’d been trying since April 2013, so it was a good 9 months, which I now realise in the IF world is not really all that long. Everything seemed to be going well, I’d heard of MMCs but I only knew one person IRL that had ever had one. My symptoms were less than when I’d had my DD, sure, but everything I read suggested that every pregnancy was different.
My life changed on Tuesday 26th February- I went into that 12 week scan without much of a worry. I’d already seen a healthy HB at 8 weeks. When I was told there was something wrong, my heart sank. It was confirmed as an MMC on 1/3/2013.
I went into meltdown for the next few months, angry at everything and everyone. My desperation to be pregnant again was overwhelming. 5 months later, I got my wish. Sadly, this pregnancy ended the same way. 1/10/2013, the bad news was confirmed.
So, 2013 has consisted of 2 MMCs and 2 ERPCS. It’s also consisted of about a million successful pregnancy announcements (or so it feels like). These events have overshadowed all of the good, and if I’m honest, there has been some good to come out of 2013. So today’s blog post is going to focus on the good, and forget the fact that this morning, the anniversary of that BFP, my period started to arrive (brilliant timing eh??) It seems the first day of the month is not a lucky day for me.
So, the positives…
1.) I found out who my true friends are- and I met some new ones who have helped me through this journey.
2.) I gained a clear realisation of just how precious and how much of a miracle my little DD is. I’d always taken for granted that I’d be able to have number 2 just as easily as I managed number 1. She was meant to be, pure and simple!
3.) I learned a bit of compassion.
4.) I went to Disneyland Paris and had the best family holiday ever.
5.) I went on two short cruises, just me and DH, and enjoyed that time away, just us two.
6.) We bought our first home, and it’s everything I ever wanted in a place.
I’m trying not to set my expectations too high for 2014. I have no control over the events that will happen or the obstacles that will be put in my path. My only wish is to do my best, to not let life drag me down as it did in 2013. To appreciate what I already have (and there are lots of things I already have that I wanted so much in the past). I want this to be the year that I take care of myself, and I mean that in so many different ways; my health, my sanity, my body.
I hope 2014 is kind to you all.
My life changed on Tuesday 26th February- I went into that 12 week scan without much of a worry. I’d already seen a healthy HB at 8 weeks. When I was told there was something wrong, my heart sank. It was confirmed as an MMC on 1/3/2013.
I went into meltdown for the next few months, angry at everything and everyone. My desperation to be pregnant again was overwhelming. 5 months later, I got my wish. Sadly, this pregnancy ended the same way. 1/10/2013, the bad news was confirmed.
So, 2013 has consisted of 2 MMCs and 2 ERPCS. It’s also consisted of about a million successful pregnancy announcements (or so it feels like). These events have overshadowed all of the good, and if I’m honest, there has been some good to come out of 2013. So today’s blog post is going to focus on the good, and forget the fact that this morning, the anniversary of that BFP, my period started to arrive (brilliant timing eh??) It seems the first day of the month is not a lucky day for me.
So, the positives…
1.) I found out who my true friends are- and I met some new ones who have helped me through this journey.
2.) I gained a clear realisation of just how precious and how much of a miracle my little DD is. I’d always taken for granted that I’d be able to have number 2 just as easily as I managed number 1. She was meant to be, pure and simple!
3.) I learned a bit of compassion.
4.) I went to Disneyland Paris and had the best family holiday ever.
5.) I went on two short cruises, just me and DH, and enjoyed that time away, just us two.
6.) We bought our first home, and it’s everything I ever wanted in a place.
I’m trying not to set my expectations too high for 2014. I have no control over the events that will happen or the obstacles that will be put in my path. My only wish is to do my best, to not let life drag me down as it did in 2013. To appreciate what I already have (and there are lots of things I already have that I wanted so much in the past). I want this to be the year that I take care of myself, and I mean that in so many different ways; my health, my sanity, my body.
I hope 2014 is kind to you all.
Monday, 23 December 2013
Impasse
I'm shit at updating blogs.
I'm tentatively emerging from a pretty crap couple of weeks, it has to be said, where i feared I was heading for a meltdown of epic proportions again. I put my feelings down to a number of things:
- A letter from the fertility clinic explaining just how bad DH's sperm analysis was... less than 1% morphology, only 1.6 million sperm per 10ml when the average is 40 million.
- A sudden flurry of pregnancies at work. I mean, literally every woman of child bearing age in that place is waving a bump in my face, it seems!
- My blood results came back satisfactory, or normal.
- I've started to work out just how long i've been trying, and how many people who started trying a looooong time after i did, are now pregnant.
- DH decided that, because DD is at a 'difficult' age, the 2 mcs were probably blessings in disguise, and that actually, he isnt sure he wants another child.
DH is being very defensive, now telling me that as my blood results are normal, i'm 'obviously' going to blame him for my mcs...I've never blamed him, just encouraged him to take multi vits (this is a guy who works night shifts, doesnt eat fruit OR veg, doesn't exercise; in fact the only thing going for his sperm is that he doesnt drink or smoke!)
So it's been a period of uncertainty to say the least. Friends are starting to ask where we are going from here. The answer is, i just don't know. This year is a huge stumbling block to begin with...i dont want to make any decisions until 2013 has safely fucked off for good. Start to finish its been sullied with horrible memories.
Suffice to say, we reached a fairly mutual decision that at 32, i have a little time on my side, and a good idea would be to stop ttc for a few months, then see how i feel about carrying on ttc, or sticking with one child. This decision hasnt been easy, and i still feel stabs of envy at seeing other pregnant women, and the friends surrounding me who are pregnant. One day at a time.
I'm tentatively emerging from a pretty crap couple of weeks, it has to be said, where i feared I was heading for a meltdown of epic proportions again. I put my feelings down to a number of things:
- A letter from the fertility clinic explaining just how bad DH's sperm analysis was... less than 1% morphology, only 1.6 million sperm per 10ml when the average is 40 million.
- A sudden flurry of pregnancies at work. I mean, literally every woman of child bearing age in that place is waving a bump in my face, it seems!
- My blood results came back satisfactory, or normal.
- I've started to work out just how long i've been trying, and how many people who started trying a looooong time after i did, are now pregnant.
- DH decided that, because DD is at a 'difficult' age, the 2 mcs were probably blessings in disguise, and that actually, he isnt sure he wants another child.
DH is being very defensive, now telling me that as my blood results are normal, i'm 'obviously' going to blame him for my mcs...I've never blamed him, just encouraged him to take multi vits (this is a guy who works night shifts, doesnt eat fruit OR veg, doesn't exercise; in fact the only thing going for his sperm is that he doesnt drink or smoke!)
So it's been a period of uncertainty to say the least. Friends are starting to ask where we are going from here. The answer is, i just don't know. This year is a huge stumbling block to begin with...i dont want to make any decisions until 2013 has safely fucked off for good. Start to finish its been sullied with horrible memories.
Suffice to say, we reached a fairly mutual decision that at 32, i have a little time on my side, and a good idea would be to stop ttc for a few months, then see how i feel about carrying on ttc, or sticking with one child. This decision hasnt been easy, and i still feel stabs of envy at seeing other pregnant women, and the friends surrounding me who are pregnant. One day at a time.
Monday, 9 December 2013
Shite couple of days
I should know not to speak too soon.
After being pleasantly surprised that I was feeling 'normal' (as per my last post), the last few days have been pretty shitty to say the least, and have started to sour my good mood somewhat. It all started with a letter from the private fertility clinic that had started to run tests before my last bfp and subsequent MMC. DH did a sperm test a few days before our good news, and it was last week we got, in writing, the bad results. So how the hell i've been managing to get pregnant is a mystery to me. It's like 2 miracles happened and then my body decided to fuck it all up. We've been recommended to freeze DH's sperm 'just in case' it deteriorates further, but this assumes we will want to pursue ICSI or IVF, and y'know, i'm just not sure i'm up for that.
Then, on the very same letter, a big list of all the possible tests i need for recurrent MC. Some will (hopefully) be done by the NHS, but if you've been reading my last few posts, you'll know how useless my doctor is, and, it seems he can't even get my blood over to be tested at the hospital without it clotting en route. So, that's where we stand at the moment.
Added to all that bullshit, my work is like Preggo fucking city. I spend my days furtively glancing round corners and rushing from one spot to the next in the hope I don't have to bump (scuse the pun) into any of them, and/or overhear any of their bollocks. Don't ask me why, but in the midst of all this pissedoffness, I decided it was a good idea to log back into my Facebook after a two month break 'just to see the gossip'. BIG FUCKING MISTAKE. Not only were the same people banging on about the same old shit, but literally EVERYONE is pregnant. EVERYONE! So I quickly deactivated my account yet again after a few moments of sado masochism.
In another fantastic example of self love, I went to a family party I promised myself I wouldn't (because DH's heavily pregnant cousin, who conveniently got pregnant at the time of my first mc, would be there). Luckily I was saved somewhat by my skinny SIL, who proceeded to mention (with genuine disgust) at every given opportunity how 'hideously fat' DH's cousin now was. Cruel I know, but I needed the laugh. Upon leaving the party, DH's cousin came over to say goodbye and I managed to somehow escape without having to go near her. Although, in hindsight, she will probably have noticed that it was quite deliberate. Ah well.
Feel better already for my mega bitch rant. This has to be a record for how many swear words I can get into a blog post. Merry fucking Christmas!
After being pleasantly surprised that I was feeling 'normal' (as per my last post), the last few days have been pretty shitty to say the least, and have started to sour my good mood somewhat. It all started with a letter from the private fertility clinic that had started to run tests before my last bfp and subsequent MMC. DH did a sperm test a few days before our good news, and it was last week we got, in writing, the bad results. So how the hell i've been managing to get pregnant is a mystery to me. It's like 2 miracles happened and then my body decided to fuck it all up. We've been recommended to freeze DH's sperm 'just in case' it deteriorates further, but this assumes we will want to pursue ICSI or IVF, and y'know, i'm just not sure i'm up for that.
Then, on the very same letter, a big list of all the possible tests i need for recurrent MC. Some will (hopefully) be done by the NHS, but if you've been reading my last few posts, you'll know how useless my doctor is, and, it seems he can't even get my blood over to be tested at the hospital without it clotting en route. So, that's where we stand at the moment.
Added to all that bullshit, my work is like Preggo fucking city. I spend my days furtively glancing round corners and rushing from one spot to the next in the hope I don't have to bump (scuse the pun) into any of them, and/or overhear any of their bollocks. Don't ask me why, but in the midst of all this pissedoffness, I decided it was a good idea to log back into my Facebook after a two month break 'just to see the gossip'. BIG FUCKING MISTAKE. Not only were the same people banging on about the same old shit, but literally EVERYONE is pregnant. EVERYONE! So I quickly deactivated my account yet again after a few moments of sado masochism.
In another fantastic example of self love, I went to a family party I promised myself I wouldn't (because DH's heavily pregnant cousin, who conveniently got pregnant at the time of my first mc, would be there). Luckily I was saved somewhat by my skinny SIL, who proceeded to mention (with genuine disgust) at every given opportunity how 'hideously fat' DH's cousin now was. Cruel I know, but I needed the laugh. Upon leaving the party, DH's cousin came over to say goodbye and I managed to somehow escape without having to go near her. Although, in hindsight, she will probably have noticed that it was quite deliberate. Ah well.
Feel better already for my mega bitch rant. This has to be a record for how many swear words I can get into a blog post. Merry fucking Christmas!
Monday, 25 November 2013
Feeling OK and I don't know why.
Before I had my 2nd MC, I said to people, if this was to happen again, it would destroy me. The first one near enough tore me apart, and I had moments of total, absolute craziness. I don't mind admitting that; it was and still is the worst experience I've ever been through.
After MC #2, I truly expected the world to implode and that I'd end up needing psychological help. The 'benefit' of foresight though (as if there could be any benefit to this), is that I was expecting the worst after effects to play themselves out. And as such, I put a few strategies into place. The first was taking myself straight off Facebook. Ignorance is indeed, bliss. I instructed DH not to tell me ANYTHING, and after the meltdowns he's witnessed over the last few months, he was happy to go with it.
Secondly, I have avoided baby and/or pregnancy talk of any kind. At work, people know not to discuss it around me, and if it happens to come up, the subject is swiftly dropped or redirected by one of my colleagues. (I'm lucky, I know!) The other thing that makes me wonder is the anti depressants I'm on. If they are producing this feeling of almost-normality then they must be a wonder drug, and I wish I hadn't been so bloody minded after MC #1 and just given myself a helping hand rather than suffer all those months of abject misery.
Although I am enjoying this 'normal' feeling, I know that the minute we make the decision to start TTC again in earnest, I'm probably going to turn into crazy lady again. For now, that decision is on the back burner, and I think I need to take care of myself and make sure I'm psychologically steady before I do it to myself again. Plus the thought of being pregnant utterly terrifies me at the moment.
Plodding on.
After MC #2, I truly expected the world to implode and that I'd end up needing psychological help. The 'benefit' of foresight though (as if there could be any benefit to this), is that I was expecting the worst after effects to play themselves out. And as such, I put a few strategies into place. The first was taking myself straight off Facebook. Ignorance is indeed, bliss. I instructed DH not to tell me ANYTHING, and after the meltdowns he's witnessed over the last few months, he was happy to go with it.
Secondly, I have avoided baby and/or pregnancy talk of any kind. At work, people know not to discuss it around me, and if it happens to come up, the subject is swiftly dropped or redirected by one of my colleagues. (I'm lucky, I know!) The other thing that makes me wonder is the anti depressants I'm on. If they are producing this feeling of almost-normality then they must be a wonder drug, and I wish I hadn't been so bloody minded after MC #1 and just given myself a helping hand rather than suffer all those months of abject misery.
Although I am enjoying this 'normal' feeling, I know that the minute we make the decision to start TTC again in earnest, I'm probably going to turn into crazy lady again. For now, that decision is on the back burner, and I think I need to take care of myself and make sure I'm psychologically steady before I do it to myself again. Plus the thought of being pregnant utterly terrifies me at the moment.
Plodding on.
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