Making happy changes in my life.

I have been looking for some time for some way to appreciate the life that I have more, to stop comparing myself to others and to find out what I really want.  After the second miscarriage I found myself talking to a few people about where to go next, what routes to take etc. I felt so much differently second time around- after the first miscarriage I was so desperate to be pregnant again immediately that it turned into an obesession that saw me becoming more and more frantic and despondent as time went on. After the second miscarriage though, the desperation just hasn't been there. Perhaps it's fear, which would be understandable, perhaps I am a bit more self aware this time and realise I need to allow myself time to grieve and reflect. All I know is at this stage I'm not sure I want to be pregnant (although in another way, I really do)- I'm confused.



My confused mindset is probably another blog post entirely, but I wanted to share something I found in a magazine with you ( as well as note these points down for posterity as I tend to recycle my mags). They're a set of guidelines if you will, on how to achieve happiness in your life. I'm heartened to see that a few of the pointers are things that I have actively, intuitively done since MC no. 2. I can't say I'm finding them easy- I am naturally inclined to be a glass slightly half empty person, but I can see how if I develop these things into habits, they will help me to improve and appreciate the great life I already have.

1. Spent 10/15 minutes a day clearing up clutter/keeping on top of paperwork.

2. Have at least 3 early nights per week.

3. Make time to think back and reminisce over your happy memories.

4. Take time out to laugh- be it a TV programme/ book night/comedy club.

5. Do something you loved to do when you were a child.

6. Dedicate time to an activity you've never done before that you need to learn.

7. Arrange new friend get togethers or go out and meet new people.

8. Record what you are grateful for every day in a gratitude diary.

9. Take time to lend support to people.

10. Plan time to spend having fun with friends and family- something to look forward to.

I'll be letting you know how I get on!

On the unfairness of life.

Last night I lost it a little bit.

I decided that what would be a really good idea would be to torture myself by looking at the photos of people on my facebook who had recently added to their families. A bit like the old programme 'Bullseye' where Jim Bowen would torment the losers at the end of the show with '...and this is what you could have won!'

In my case, I saw what I have lost. Those lovely pictures of a child meeting their younger brother or sister for the first time and the joy and pride on the faces of the parents. One 'friend' in particular, (i call them a friend, i don't really actually know them), is onto her third child, each with that 'perfect' 2 year gap between them. I imagine she has never known the pain of loss or even of having to try, month after relentless month to achieve something everyone else seems to be able to at the drop of a hat.

I flew into a bit of a rage. I wanted her to feel just an ounce of what I, and so many others i've met on this sad journey, have felt. I'm ashamed to say I wanted to wipe the smug smile off her face. It sometimes feels very cruel that the world keeps spinning when my babies are dead. I don't like having these feelings. I know they are irrational. I know everyone else's fertility has no bearing whatsoever on my own. I know, from the last few months speaking to people on Twitter and on a popular parenting website I frequent that my story is not, by any means the worst. I am super super lucky to have a child AT ALL, something which I've been keeping in mind A LOT since the last MC.
I have a lovely life, I have more than so many others in this world and I KNOW I should be grateful.

Some days are just so hard.

2013- A year in review.

So, 2013 started off with a bang- well a BFP at any rate. We’d been trying since April 2013, so it was a good 9 months, which I now realise in the IF world is not really all that long. Everything seemed to be going well, I’d heard of MMCs but I only knew one person IRL that had ever had one. My symptoms were less than when I’d had my DD, sure, but everything I read suggested that every pregnancy was different.

My life changed on Tuesday 26th February- I went into that 12 week scan without much of a worry. I’d already seen a healthy HB at 8 weeks. When I was told there was something wrong, my heart sank. It was confirmed as an MMC on 1/3/2013.

I went into meltdown for the next few months, angry at everything and everyone. My desperation to be pregnant again was overwhelming. 5 months later, I got my wish. Sadly, this pregnancy ended the same way. 1/10/2013, the bad news was confirmed.

So, 2013 has consisted of 2 MMCs and 2 ERPCS. It’s also consisted of about a million successful pregnancy announcements (or so it feels like). These events have overshadowed all of the good, and if I’m honest, there has been some good to come out of 2013. So today’s blog post is going to focus on the good, and forget the fact that this morning, the anniversary of that BFP, my period started to arrive (brilliant timing eh??) It seems the first day of the month is not a lucky day for me.

So, the positives…
1.) I found out who my true friends are- and I met some new ones who have helped me through this journey.
2.) I gained a clear realisation of just how precious and how much of a miracle my little DD is. I’d always taken for granted that I’d be able to have number 2 just as easily as I managed number 1. She was meant to be, pure and simple!
3.) I learned a bit of compassion.
4.) I went to Disneyland Paris and had the best family holiday ever.
5.) I went on two short cruises, just me and DH, and enjoyed that time away, just us two.
6.) We bought our first home, and it’s everything I ever wanted in a place.

I’m trying not to set my expectations too high for 2014. I have no control over the events that will happen or the obstacles that will be put in my path. My only wish is to do my best, to not let life drag me down as it did in 2013. To appreciate what I already have (and there are lots of things I already have that I wanted so much in the past). I want this to be the year that I take care of myself, and I mean that in so many different ways; my health, my sanity, my body.

I hope 2014 is kind to you all.