BFP Blues

2 weeks ago I got a BFP. It wasn't planned. Those of you who know me know that we had (mostly) reconciled ourselves to sticking with the one, though I was feeling increasingly bitter and angry about being forced to make that decision. We'd also been previously told that DH's sperm and morphology count was low and that it was likely that we would have issues conceiving. So imagine my surprise that since July (when I had a chemical pregnancy), we've managed it twice. And after months and months of trying to conceive the second BFP and exhausting ourselves with DTD, this one came after just once. I'm not saying this to gloat. Quite the opposite. Life has a funny way of turning you upside down or throwing you something you least expect. Without my MC history I guess this BFP would be a 'nice surprise'. (God how I envy the naivete of some people).

My first thought was to IGNORE. Pretend it's not happening. Which has one small flaw. With DD, I was nauseous from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. With the last two BFPS there was nothing. So far there's been nothing. It's very hard to ignore symptoms or lack thereof, especially when your only successful pregnancy has been the one that made you sick.

Today has been one of my worst in terms of anxiety. I've felt it building, not least because in 2 days it's the anniversary of my 2nd MMC. I still remember the raw grief when they told me 'sorry' for the second time. I knew it could happen but equally felt i'd have to be pretty-bloody-unlucky for it to happen again. I know that it theoretically could yet again, and in my mind i've been preparing contingency plans. I have more plans in my head for if it goes wrong than if it goes right. I genuinely don't think I will know what to do if they tell me I have a baby that's alive come scan time. Perhaps it will only be then that I actually start to accept I'm pregnant.

Which brings me to my next morbid thought. I'm begging with the universe right now...please if I have to MC again, don't let me get to the scan stage and make me go through all of that. Don't make me have to have a third ERPC.

But please please please don't let me MC again. I am genuinely frightened for myself psychologically if I do.

Today, at work, I felt overwhelmed. I teach, so it's not like I can lock myself away and work alone when I need to lick my wounds. Not only that but the job itself has become a massive pain in the arse, so much so that morale is at an all time low and i'm bringing tonnes of work home every night and weekend. Four weeks in to the academic year and I'm wondering how I'm going to go on. There's been a huge 'baby boom' at work- 5 babies in total JUST IN AUGUST. And plenty more pregnant women still there. I guess with those odds it's not surprising that somebody had to have IF issues. Having lunch with a couple of colleagues who KNOW (no excuses) and they casually bring up 'isn't it time you had another?' to a lady whose son is 1. Who then goes on to say how she imagines it will be easier with 2. At which another lady mentions that when her son was 2 she thought she had to have another as it would be easier. AS IF IT'S THAT FUCKING SIMPLE!!!! I wanted to scream. HOW COME IT IS THAT FUCKING SIMPLE????????? Just think about it, and 'poof!' number 2 is on the way. I'm really beginning to detest people with no direct experience of miscarriage but realise this probably makes me a selfish unfeeling twat.

If anyone has any tips to get me through the next few weeks i'm all ears. I want to know specifically whether this sense of impending doom is something I should be worried about.

It's been a long time

It really has been a long time.

I abandoned the blog not long after picking up the baby from the hospital after they hugely fucked up by not cremating the 'remains' as they so beautifully put it. I've been fine though, coming off the anti depressants several months ago because I felt so well and so unbothered by babies and pregnant women.

Just as a catch up:

1.) Came down with some weird, as yet undiagnosed illness at Easter which resulted in an 8 day stay in hospital as I couldn't walk.

2.) Gave up trying to conceive. Contacted an adoption agency and had an initial meeting with a social worker.

3.) Inadvertently got pregnant at the end of July. It was a chemical pregnancy and I was fucking terrified and oddly relieved that it ended as it did.

My six months in a nutshell.

It's hard to put into words how I feel- it's like nothing can eloquently describe my psychological state at the moment. It ranges from:

- mild annoyance to downright rage at pregnant women (Kate Middleton can fuck off)

- joy at pregnant women who 'deserve' it, feeling of wanting to throat punch those that 'don't'

I've been aware of these feelings for a short time now, and it feels like the old, irrational grieving me is starting to creep back in. I would go so far as to say I'm mildly depressed. I'm scared these feelings will never go away. If only a baby will cure these feelings then what will happen if I don't get that baby?