Collecting my baby tomorrow :-(

Those of you who follow me on Twitter may have seen I posted a link last week to this article:

http://www.expressandstar.com/news/2014/03/18/scandal-of-the-unborn-babies-kept-for-up-to-four-years-at-walsall-manor-hospital/

It turns out that the hospital where I had both of my ERPCs has been found guilty of keeping the 'remains' (as the article so nicely puts it) of people's babies instead of getting them cremated in a timely manner. And yep, you guessed it...just as i'm beginning to move on with my life, fate has a lovely way of kicking me back down again. My April 2014 baby that I miscarried in October is still there, in a box, in a mortuary.

The hospital are 'sorry'. They lost my paperwork. I don't know why, when they realised they had lost my paperwork (they know it's my baby after all) that they didn't contact me straight away to come in and sign it. I don't know why I had to find out about this scandal from a link on facebook when I was at work, and I had to ring THEM to see if I was affected.

They promised me the baby would be cremated by June. That is too long for me and DH. I asked whether I could collect baby from the mortuary, and tomorrow I go to fetch my little one. We have brought a beautiful rhododendron plant and a lovely planter and we are going to keep this baby close by in our garden. It feels wrong that my tiny one has been sitting there for almost 6 months, waiting to be laid to rest.

In a twist of fate, my friend, who was due in April like me, gave birth yesterday. I am torn between happiness and extreme pain. At the moment, it all feels too much to bear. Today has been awful and I don't think tomorrow will be any better. I hate how bitter and selfish and miserable I have become.

Clean 9 Detox review- part 1

I've been completing a 'Clean 9' Detox by Forever Living for the last 3 days in a bit to get rid of the stubborn half stone that keeps me in double figures and just that little bit overweight. I decided to have a go at it despite the fact that I was convinced there was NO WAY i could survive not having meals and living off shakes, but after several unproductive yoyo months at Slimming World, I've had to take drastic action.

So, what's the premise? Well, the detox involves having nothing but aloe vera (yuck!) and shakes (i chose the vanilla flavour) for the first 2 days, then continuing for a further 7 days but also having a 600 calorie meal in the evening.

Bouyed up by the testimonials and the before and after photos online, I handed over my £100 and began a week of 'pre cleansing', which involved me slowly cutting out caffeine and alcohol, and taking up 20-30 minutes of exercise per day to get me in the spirit of things for when the real detox began. I also had to build up to taking 60ml of pure aloe gel. It's rank- theres no other word for it really, but if you hold your nose and swallow it in one gulp then its bearable!

DAY 1

I spent a long time worrying about whether I could actually not let a single morsel of food pass my lips for an entire 2 days. Previous attempts at 'not eating' had left me headachy and grumpy, and I was concerned I wouldn't be able to function. I began my detox on a work day which they tell you not to 
do, as you can feel 'lethargic' but I'm glad I did as I am super busy at work and it distracted me from the hunger.   

I also had to up my aloe intake to 120mls, FOUR times a day!!! This, along with the amount of water I've had to drink has been much harder than going without food, something which has surprised me. That first day, despite me having built up to having a larger amount, left me gagging and heaving at every mouthful of aloe, especially when the bits (ewwww) caught in my teeth. 

At lunchtime, i was allowed my shake. The flavour was a vast improvement on the aloe, although it has a very sweet and synthetic edge which i'm not sure I really like. But...sustenance at last! As i drank my last drop of it, I felt nervous that I would have to face another 24 hours without anything but another shake to look forward to. To my surprise however, i did feel satisfied! (Apparently this is to do with the Forever Garcinia Plus supplements that I am also taking and that came with the pack; a natural appetite suppressant). I also had to take Forever Bee Pollen tablets, but i'm not sure exactly what these are for, although they do contain lots of vitamins and minerals.


At dinnertime, I threw a pizza in the oven for DH and DD, and went out for the obligatory 20 minutes
 exercise. In my case, a jog! As planned, by the time I'd got back, DH and DD were finished with their evening meals, and I didn't have to face a big greasy pizza!

The evening time was the worst...my stomach was rumbling and it took me a long time to get to sleep. Saying that, day 1 wasn't half as bad as i expected.

DAY 2

So this was harder. My stomach was growling before I'd even left the house for work and i'd already heaved at the idea of aloe. I stuck to it though, had my shake at lunchtime, took the supplements 
 dutifully and completed my exercise, this time a Fat Burning workout i found on Youtube. 




I began to feel a bit 'sicky', for want of a better word, although my energy levels were surprisingly, quite high.


Again, the worst part of the day was the evening, and again, it took me a long time to get to sleep, although I was then up this morning before my alarm! 

Spreading the Misery

What someone else said to me a little while back about miscarriage has kind of stuck with me a little. I have been struggling with other people and their ability to get pregnant quickly, and then comparing myself to them. Something along the lines of 'they've had 2/3/4 kids and no miscarriages. Well how come I had to have 2 miscarriages and one child?'

A poster on this blog said that it didn't seem fair that the misery wasn't spread out a bit more fairly. I mean, how come some people get to have kids without any of this happening? I realise here I'm asking an impossible question.

Also, does it make me a bad person, (although i'm certainly not wishing this hell on anyone else), to wish someone who was fertile shared a bit of this burden instead of the same people all of the time?

Having a selfish/ contemplative/ pissed off moment. Sorry.

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In my quest to be healthy/ skinny, I'm beginning a new detox diet with Forever Living. It involves 9 days of drinking aloe vera juice (think a mix of sweat and aspirin) and shakes. I've heard the results are good- I remain dubious as to whether I will actually be able to stick at it. Wish me luck!