Today was my due date...

September 15th was the date I was given at my 8 week scan back in January. It's the only date I was ever given. At my 12 week scan, my baby was dying, so I never reached the point where I had an 'official' due date. It feels very strange and almost surreal to be here. I've been building up to this day, so it surprised me when I asked my DH last night if he knew what day it was today and he turned around and said 'Sunday'. He's not mentioned it, asked me if I'm okay, nothing. Perhaps it's 'his way', but it's made me realise quite keenly that I am the only one who it affected so deeply. Perhaps that's a mother's way.

I don't know what I expected for today- fireworks, the world to implode, I'm not sure. Instead, there was nothing. The day started, and has ended, like any other. Others who have been through miscarriage told me that often the build up to a due date is much much worse than reality, and it's often the 'hump in the road' we need to get over to heal properly. That said, I can't imagine I will ever forget this date and will mark it on the calendar for the rest of my life.

A text from a good friend this morning reduced me to tears. I sat upstairs on my own and sobbed. So many of my friends who have experienced this (and some who haven't), have reached out to me today and it's meant so much that people have thought about me and understood the loss I feel. I surprised even myself by my tears; it's amazing that even though a chunk of time has passed, grief still holds such a power over me. After telling myself to breathe, I picked myself up and got on with my day.

Keeping busy is a Godsend. I often wonder how people get on with grief when they are alone with their thoughts all day. My job means I don't have time to think, and I will drown myself in my job until this month finally goes away. I've got through half of it already, and I haven't fallen apart. I know for many reasons, a lot of my online friends are struggling with September too, or just with life in general. Without their support, their wise words, their encouragement, I know September would be a much harder month. I lit a candle for my little one today. When I lit it, I remembered all the other little lives that so many of us have lost, too many to mention. I hope and pray that we all get the happy ending we deserve.