Another MMC...

Title says it all.
I haven't posted for a while as I'd found out I was pregnant on the 15th August and didn't want to jinx the pregnancy by talking about it. That plan clearly didn't work.

Due to a possible progesterone problem, I'd been given progesterone pessaries to use up to 12 weeks. I had a scan at 5 weeks, everything good. Then a scan at 6 weeks, everything good, and a heartbeat! DH didn't want me to have another scan until my 12 week dating scan, but last week I started to feel very anxious and ill at ease and didn't feel like I wanted to wait the 3 weeks til my dating scan. With little J, I had a very sicky pregnancy. She really knocked me about, but this pregnancy, like the last, was sickness and nausea free. Despite people telling me 'every pregnancy is different', something didnt sit quite right.

However, I had been bouyed up by the statistics- it's hugely unlikely to have 2 miscarriages in a row. So off I went yesterday to a private clinic where i was told the bad news. I knew by their silence that it wasn't good. Two sonographers and a consultant confirmed what had happened and I just lay there and sobbed. My first thoughts were, 'how the hell am I going to get through this again?'

The last few months have been the worst of my life. The month that I chilled out, thought perhaps I'd stick with one child, was the month I got pregnant. And now I've lost it again. Why do that to me? If i'm not capable of having another child, then why did my body play another cruel trick on me and land me straight back to square one? Not just that, but by a cruel twist of fate, a very very close friend of mine is just a couple of weeks ahead of what I would have been, having a normal, healthy pregnancy. For the second time, I am forced to sit and watch.

I've been to the EPAU at my local hospital today and luckily I can get in for an ERPC tomorrow morning. Last time, I was terrified of going under general anaesthetic. This time, I think I will be grateful for the oblivion it provides. And I also know that the ERPC process is less painful and traumatic than the emotional recovery in the months that follow. I fear for myself. I had begun to take strides towards recovery, was beginning to enjoy life again. I was finding some meaning from what had been an horrific experience. What the fuck am I supposed to learn from having it happen twice? What kind of a 'message' am I supposed to take from this, other than a big 'fuck you' from the universe? I guess one thing I have learned is that hope is dangerous.

Another thing that plays on my mind is the number of coincidences:
My last MMC was discovered on 1st March.
This MMC was discovered on 1st October.
My last MMC, the dating scan was 2 months exactly after discovering I was pregnant. Same with this one. My last MMC, the dating scan was due to take place when I would be exactly 12+2- so was this one- on the same day of the week at exactly the same time.

There is no longer the urge to be pregnant again straight away, like there was after the last MMC. I think it would be incredibly foolish to do this when I don't know for certain there isn't something wrong. Given the fact that I was under the care of a fertility clinic, it was hinted today that the consultant may decide to do some tests. I hope this is the case as I need answers. If not, we will have a long hard think about whether it warrants private testing or whether we should accept our lot and be grateful for the wonderful, healthy daughter that we have.

This time, I announced on Facebook; some might question this decision, but I did it for several reasons. People that know usually think twice about what they say to people. Being able to talk about it openly actually helps me. People have messaged me privately to tell me that they, too, have been in the same situation.

I know no-one in real life (until now) that had had 2 miscarriages in a row. Again, i'm faced with people that don't say ANYTHING. I try not to get upset about that, I know that sometimes people don't know what to say. But once again I've been overwhelmed by the care shown to me by people I don't know, alongside my best friends. For those who have a problem with the sharing of my experiences- this isn't all about you. Be glad.

I will update you all when I have more to tell. Thank you for your support. You can't know how much it means, and you've kept me afloat.