My 2nd ERPC and an interesting revelation.

I woke up yesterday morning not at all worried about my ERPC but rather the days, weeks and months that are to follow. What is a simple, painless operation when compared to the horrible emotional pain of the future? My first ERPC I was absolutely terrified. I'd never been under general anaesthetic before and the thought of never waking up again crossed my mind a few times. After the operation, I joked with the nurses that I'd like them to come and put me to sleep every night! What a wonder of modern medicine that stuff is- absolutely awesome.

After that first ERPC though, I was naive to what was to follow, and at that point I still had feelings of hope that I'd be pregnant again fairly soon and that this was just an anomaly, something that every woman goes through. Granted, I was upset, but the relief I felt once the operation was over and the ambivalent feelings I had immediately afterwards made me think that it wouldn't take me long to get over it- how wrong I was. A second consecutive miscarriage actually blows all that out of the water. I'm not stupid enough to think that, just because I feel okayish at the moment, that it's going to be like that in 2- 3 months time. I'm terrified of going back to that anxious and depressing time I was stuck in before.

Before I went down to theatre, I had several visitors- nurses, an anaesthetist, a registrar and a consultant. The registrar had said to me that I would be able to have blood tests given the circumstances of my miscarriages. But when the consultant who would perform the operation came down to me, she seemed confused as to why I would want the tests- 'it will probably be okay next time', and reminding me that the NHS don't usually test until there have been 3 consecutive miscarriages. Now anyone who has had a miscarriage will know that even one is enough to destroy you if you let it, 2 is unbearable- I wouldn't even like to imagine what 3 or more would do to a woman. I think the NHS do a fantastic job. For the second time, I could not fault them yesterday. I was treated with courtesy and care and looked after very well. But I think this whole policy on miscarriages just isn't right. To me 'probably' means nothing.

I have felt a lot groggier and 'spaced out' after this ERPC than the previous one, where I was back on my feet in no time. I woke up yesterday in the recovery room next to a little boy who was just coming round. I remember bursting into tears for this poor kid, saw the shadows of his parents moving into the room, then blacked out again. I woke up on the ward where my husband was waiting for me, had the best cup of tea I've ever had in my life, forced down a sandwich and was ready to go. The registrar came up and told me that there was a slight complication in that there was a 'laceration' on my womb which had been stitched up and that I would need antibiotics and a suppository to ensure it didn't get infected. I was assured that I wouldn't be affected by it, and it wouldn't jeopardise a future pregnancy.

I think I mentioned in a previous blog that prior to this pregnancy, we had visited a fertility clinic. After the last MC, my cycles just weren't right. My luteal phase was never longer than 10 days, and quite frequently only 8 or 9. I was getting hugely stressed out every month and my anxiety levels were sky high. We had just started a fertility assessment when I got pregnant, unexpectedly. Poor DH had had a sperm test literally 5 days before my BFP and we'd never thought to pursue the results of this, given the fact I was pregnant.

Yesterday, when I came out of hospital, I rang up the clinic to ask about progesterone I had been taking to support the pregnancy and enquired about the results of DH's sperm tests. It turns out that he has a sub optimal sperm count with some abnormal sperm. I was astounded to hear that because of this, if we ever needed to face IVF or ICSI treatment, they would have to select healthy sperm to inject straight into the egg. I was also told that, although it didn't mean he would not be able to father a child (quite clearly, we have a DD already and have had 3 pregnancies together), it would follow that it would take us a lot longer than a 'normal' couple to conceive, particularly if there are problems with me as well. I guess pregnancies after 7 and 5 cycles really aren't that bad if this is the case! However, there is obviously the concern too about the abnormal sperm- I'm not sure they would be able to fertilise the egg in the first place but what if they were able to?

We have decided to go the private route for the miscarriage testing. We could be waiting a long time for the NHS results and might not get a full picture of what's gone wrong and although I have basically written the rest of this year off, I am conscious that at 32, I haven't got years and years of prime fertility left to wait around with half-answers. In the meantime though, I've decided to just be kind to myself, give my body (and mind) a rest, stay off facebook and enjoy my little girl. Please remind me i've said this when I'm going crazy in a couple of weeks.