Shit happens

I feel like i need to check in. So much has happened since I last wrote:

I went back to work.
I managed to get anti depressants from the doc, which i've been taking for the last 2 weeks.
I've lost 3 pounds.
I have blood tests booked, although i'm holding out no hope that they will find anything to explain why this has happened twice.

I'm not sure what to write other than i'm still here, putting one foot in front of the other.

Although i have moments of happiness, and im getting on with life, it feels like everything is a shade duller than it was before, like my innocence, my feeling that good things happen to good people, has been snatched away. Life just ain't like that. Shit happens...and it doesnt matter whether you're a good person or whether you're a mass murderer. The concept of karma, getting what you deserve, none of it makes sense to me any more...

I know people turn to cliches at times like this e.g 'God only gives you what you can handle', like i must be a really strong person or whatever, for dealingwith this shit twice. I'm not strong. It coud have been anybody. But it just randomly happens to be me.

I'm really struggling with this. It's changed my world view, my beliefs. Everything.