My pregnant best friend

So, um, yeah. One of my closest, best friends is pregnant.

This is not just any friend. This friend is my DD's godmother. She was one of my bridesmaids. She was the one who came with me to the scan that revealed my first MMC in February. She was one of the very few people who sat with me while I spewed out the horrible truth about how I really felt, who came over to my house just to sit with me, who would pull me away from situations where I was faced with a pregnant lady, who would really listen and get me to breathe and talk me out of my moments of madness. She told me she didn't want to try for a baby until I was pregnant again because she didn't want to hurt me any more than I was hurting already. Of course, I told her not to be ridiculous, and I remember a few months ago, she texted me to tell me that she and her OH were thinking of trying for a baby and she would understand if I couldn't speak to her any more (I mean, this was how bad she must have thought I was coping to even suggest that).

Fast forward a couple of months. I found out I was pregnant again in August. Naturally, she is one of the few people I tell in real life. She was overjoyed, relieved even, because she too, was pregnant, just a few weeks ahead of me, and she didn't know how the hell she was going to tell me. We have a few weeks where neither of us dare to believe it's happening. She's terrified because she has seen what could potentially happen, I'm terrified because I know first hand what can happen. And deep down, there's that niggling voice saying 'There's no way the both of you are going to get out of this okay, and it's going to DESTROY your friendship'.

Her scan was 2 weeks ahead of mine. She texted me to tell me she was fine and she'd been put a week ahead of her dates. And then the gut wrenching, sick feeling again. You know what happened the next week. I texted her and she came straight round, sobbing. We sat and cried together. She told me that she wanted me to be a big part of her baby's life, but she would understand if I had to stop seeing her, or if not, I had to tell her if things were too difficult for me and she would keep away until I felt stronger. Which would be okay, you think.

But here's the problem. This is the friend who, on finding out I was pregnant with DD, was so excited that she collected a big box of gifts and clothes that she gave to me when I was 8 weeks pregnant (ahhh, the ignorance of innocence!)She was the friend who would sit with me eagerly talking babies and getting involved in everything to do with the pregnancy. When DD was born, she would come round and help me (I was and still am not naturally maternal, though she undoubtedly is). She would even take DD for a walk in her pushchair while I rested. As DD has gotten older, she's gotten increasingly close to her Auntie GG, who comes round to see her and play with her and read her stories. If there's anyone I wouldn't have minded getting pregnant, it was her.

That was until all this happened. I feel awful saying it because I love her to bits, and truly, deep down inside I am happy for her. I can sense her pulling away. Not to be nasty, I know, but because I know that she too can sense that being around her hurts me. She texts my mother to ask after me mostly, occasionally DH. Sometimes she will text me but often waits until I text her, which I'm finding it harder and harder to do.

I want to be there to support her like she supported me. I want to get excited for her, I want to ask after her scans, I want her to be able to talk to me about her symptoms and her feelings and everything, but I just can't. I can't face it, and I just feel like the shittiest, most horrible person. I miss her. I know that I could call any time and she would be there but something stops me. I don't know what the answer is to any of this.

Perhaps there is none. I just know that this feeling won't go away, and I really really want it to.