Impasse

I'm shit at updating blogs.

I'm tentatively emerging from a pretty crap couple of weeks, it has to be said, where i feared I was heading for a meltdown of epic proportions again. I put my feelings down to a number of things:

- A letter from the fertility clinic explaining just how bad DH's sperm analysis was... less than 1% morphology, only 1.6 million sperm per 10ml when the average is 40 million.
- A sudden flurry of pregnancies at work. I mean, literally every woman of child bearing age in that place is waving a bump in my face, it seems!
- My blood results came back satisfactory, or normal.
- I've started to work out just how long i've been trying, and how many people who started trying a looooong time after i did, are now pregnant.
- DH decided that, because DD is at a 'difficult' age, the 2 mcs were probably blessings in disguise, and that actually, he isnt sure he wants another child.

DH is being very defensive, now telling me that as my blood results are normal, i'm 'obviously' going to blame him for my mcs...I've never blamed him, just encouraged him to take multi vits (this is a guy who works night shifts, doesnt eat fruit OR veg, doesn't exercise; in fact the only thing going for his sperm is that he doesnt drink or smoke!)

So it's been a period of uncertainty to say the least. Friends are starting to ask where we are going from here. The answer is, i just don't know. This year is a huge stumbling block to begin with...i dont want to make any decisions until 2013 has safely fucked off for good. Start to finish its been sullied with horrible memories.

Suffice to say, we reached a fairly mutual decision that at 32, i have a little time on my side, and a good idea would be to stop ttc for a few months, then see how i feel about carrying on ttc, or sticking with one child. This decision hasnt been easy, and i still feel stabs of envy at seeing other pregnant women, and the friends surrounding me who are pregnant. One day at a time.