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Tuesday 9 September 2014

It's been a long time

It really has been a long time.

I abandoned the blog not long after picking up the baby from the hospital after they hugely fucked up by not cremating the 'remains' as they so beautifully put it. I've been fine though, coming off the anti depressants several months ago because I felt so well and so unbothered by babies and pregnant women.

Just as a catch up:
1.) Came down with some weird, as yet undiagnosed illness at Easter which resulted in an 8 day stay in hospital as I couldn't walk.
2.) Gave up trying to conceive. Contacted an adoption agency and had an initial meeting with a social worker.
3.) Inadvertently got pregnant at the end of July. It was a chemical pregnancy and I was fucking terrified and oddly relieved that it ended as it did.

My six months in a nutshell.

It's hard to put into words how I feel- it's like nothing can eloquently describe my psychological state at the moment. It ranges from:

- mild annoyance to downright rage at pregnant women (Kate Middleton can fuck off)
- joy at pregnant women who 'deserve' it, feeling of wanting to throat punch those that 'don't'

I've been aware of these feelings for a short time now, and it feels like the old, irrational grieving me is starting to creep back in. I would go so far as to say I'm mildly depressed. I'm scared these feelings will never go away. If only a baby will cure these feelings then what will happen if I don't get that baby?

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