BFP Blues

2 weeks ago I got a BFP. It wasn't planned. Those of you who know me know that we had (mostly) reconciled ourselves to sticking with the one, though I was feeling increasingly bitter and angry about being forced to make that decision. We'd also been previously told that DH's sperm and morphology count was low and that it was likely that we would have issues conceiving. So imagine my surprise that since July (when I had a chemical pregnancy), we've managed it twice. And after months and months of trying to conceive the second BFP and exhausting ourselves with DTD, this one came after just once. I'm not saying this to gloat. Quite the opposite. Life has a funny way of turning you upside down or throwing you something you least expect. Without my MC history I guess this BFP would be a 'nice surprise'. (God how I envy the naivete of some people).

My first thought was to IGNORE. Pretend it's not happening. Which has one small flaw. With DD, I was nauseous from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. With the last two BFPS there was nothing. So far there's been nothing. It's very hard to ignore symptoms or lack thereof, especially when your only successful pregnancy has been the one that made you sick.

Today has been one of my worst in terms of anxiety. I've felt it building, not least because in 2 days it's the anniversary of my 2nd MMC. I still remember the raw grief when they told me 'sorry' for the second time. I knew it could happen but equally felt i'd have to be pretty-bloody-unlucky for it to happen again. I know that it theoretically could yet again, and in my mind i've been preparing contingency plans. I have more plans in my head for if it goes wrong than if it goes right. I genuinely don't think I will know what to do if they tell me I have a baby that's alive come scan time. Perhaps it will only be then that I actually start to accept I'm pregnant.

Which brings me to my next morbid thought. I'm begging with the universe right now...please if I have to MC again, don't let me get to the scan stage and make me go through all of that. Don't make me have to have a third ERPC.

But please please please don't let me MC again. I am genuinely frightened for myself psychologically if I do.

Today, at work, I felt overwhelmed. I teach, so it's not like I can lock myself away and work alone when I need to lick my wounds. Not only that but the job itself has become a massive pain in the arse, so much so that morale is at an all time low and i'm bringing tonnes of work home every night and weekend. Four weeks in to the academic year and I'm wondering how I'm going to go on. There's been a huge 'baby boom' at work- 5 babies in total JUST IN AUGUST. And plenty more pregnant women still there. I guess with those odds it's not surprising that somebody had to have IF issues. Having lunch with a couple of colleagues who KNOW (no excuses) and they casually bring up 'isn't it time you had another?' to a lady whose son is 1. Who then goes on to say how she imagines it will be easier with 2. At which another lady mentions that when her son was 2 she thought she had to have another as it would be easier. AS IF IT'S THAT FUCKING SIMPLE!!!! I wanted to scream. HOW COME IT IS THAT FUCKING SIMPLE????????? Just think about it, and 'poof!' number 2 is on the way. I'm really beginning to detest people with no direct experience of miscarriage but realise this probably makes me a selfish unfeeling twat.

If anyone has any tips to get me through the next few weeks i'm all ears. I want to know specifically whether this sense of impending doom is something I should be worried about.

It's been a long time

It really has been a long time.

I abandoned the blog not long after picking up the baby from the hospital after they hugely fucked up by not cremating the 'remains' as they so beautifully put it. I've been fine though, coming off the anti depressants several months ago because I felt so well and so unbothered by babies and pregnant women.

Just as a catch up:

1.) Came down with some weird, as yet undiagnosed illness at Easter which resulted in an 8 day stay in hospital as I couldn't walk.

2.) Gave up trying to conceive. Contacted an adoption agency and had an initial meeting with a social worker.

3.) Inadvertently got pregnant at the end of July. It was a chemical pregnancy and I was fucking terrified and oddly relieved that it ended as it did.

My six months in a nutshell.

It's hard to put into words how I feel- it's like nothing can eloquently describe my psychological state at the moment. It ranges from:

- mild annoyance to downright rage at pregnant women (Kate Middleton can fuck off)

- joy at pregnant women who 'deserve' it, feeling of wanting to throat punch those that 'don't'

I've been aware of these feelings for a short time now, and it feels like the old, irrational grieving me is starting to creep back in. I would go so far as to say I'm mildly depressed. I'm scared these feelings will never go away. If only a baby will cure these feelings then what will happen if I don't get that baby?

Collecting my baby tomorrow :-(

Those of you who follow me on Twitter may have seen I posted a link last week to this article:

http://www.expressandstar.com/news/2014/03/18/scandal-of-the-unborn-babies-kept-for-up-to-four-years-at-walsall-manor-hospital/

It turns out that the hospital where I had both of my ERPCs has been found guilty of keeping the 'remains' (as the article so nicely puts it) of people's babies instead of getting them cremated in a timely manner. And yep, you guessed it...just as i'm beginning to move on with my life, fate has a lovely way of kicking me back down again. My April 2014 baby that I miscarried in October is still there, in a box, in a mortuary.

The hospital are 'sorry'. They lost my paperwork. I don't know why, when they realised they had lost my paperwork (they know it's my baby after all) that they didn't contact me straight away to come in and sign it. I don't know why I had to find out about this scandal from a link on facebook when I was at work, and I had to ring THEM to see if I was affected.

They promised me the baby would be cremated by June. That is too long for me and DH. I asked whether I could collect baby from the mortuary, and tomorrow I go to fetch my little one. We have brought a beautiful rhododendron plant and a lovely planter and we are going to keep this baby close by in our garden. It feels wrong that my tiny one has been sitting there for almost 6 months, waiting to be laid to rest.

In a twist of fate, my friend, who was due in April like me, gave birth yesterday. I am torn between happiness and extreme pain. At the moment, it all feels too much to bear. Today has been awful and I don't think tomorrow will be any better. I hate how bitter and selfish and miserable I have become.

Clean 9 Detox review- part 1

I've been completing a 'Clean 9' Detox by Forever Living for the last 3 days in a bit to get rid of the stubborn half stone that keeps me in double figures and just that little bit overweight. I decided to have a go at it despite the fact that I was convinced there was NO WAY i could survive not having meals and living off shakes, but after several unproductive yoyo months at Slimming World, I've had to take drastic action.

So, what's the premise? Well, the detox involves having nothing but aloe vera (yuck!) and shakes (i chose the vanilla flavour) for the first 2 days, then continuing for a further 7 days but also having a 600 calorie meal in the evening.

Bouyed up by the testimonials and the before and after photos online, I handed over my £100 and began a week of 'pre cleansing', which involved me slowly cutting out caffeine and alcohol, and taking up 20-30 minutes of exercise per day to get me in the spirit of things for when the real detox began. I also had to build up to taking 60ml of pure aloe gel. It's rank- theres no other word for it really, but if you hold your nose and swallow it in one gulp then its bearable!

DAY 1

I spent a long time worrying about whether I could actually not let a single morsel of food pass my lips for an entire 2 days. Previous attempts at 'not eating' had left me headachy and grumpy, and I was concerned I wouldn't be able to function. I began my detox on a work day which they tell you not to 
do, as you can feel 'lethargic' but I'm glad I did as I am super busy at work and it distracted me from the hunger.   

I also had to up my aloe intake to 120mls, FOUR times a day!!! This, along with the amount of water I've had to drink has been much harder than going without food, something which has surprised me. That first day, despite me having built up to having a larger amount, left me gagging and heaving at every mouthful of aloe, especially when the bits (ewwww) caught in my teeth. 

At lunchtime, i was allowed my shake. The flavour was a vast improvement on the aloe, although it has a very sweet and synthetic edge which i'm not sure I really like. But...sustenance at last! As i drank my last drop of it, I felt nervous that I would have to face another 24 hours without anything but another shake to look forward to. To my surprise however, i did feel satisfied! (Apparently this is to do with the Forever Garcinia Plus supplements that I am also taking and that came with the pack; a natural appetite suppressant). I also had to take Forever Bee Pollen tablets, but i'm not sure exactly what these are for, although they do contain lots of vitamins and minerals.


At dinnertime, I threw a pizza in the oven for DH and DD, and went out for the obligatory 20 minutes
 exercise. In my case, a jog! As planned, by the time I'd got back, DH and DD were finished with their evening meals, and I didn't have to face a big greasy pizza!

The evening time was the worst...my stomach was rumbling and it took me a long time to get to sleep. Saying that, day 1 wasn't half as bad as i expected.

DAY 2

So this was harder. My stomach was growling before I'd even left the house for work and i'd already heaved at the idea of aloe. I stuck to it though, had my shake at lunchtime, took the supplements 
 dutifully and completed my exercise, this time a Fat Burning workout i found on Youtube. 




I began to feel a bit 'sicky', for want of a better word, although my energy levels were surprisingly, quite high.


Again, the worst part of the day was the evening, and again, it took me a long time to get to sleep, although I was then up this morning before my alarm! 

Spreading the Misery

What someone else said to me a little while back about miscarriage has kind of stuck with me a little. I have been struggling with other people and their ability to get pregnant quickly, and then comparing myself to them. Something along the lines of 'they've had 2/3/4 kids and no miscarriages. Well how come I had to have 2 miscarriages and one child?'

A poster on this blog said that it didn't seem fair that the misery wasn't spread out a bit more fairly. I mean, how come some people get to have kids without any of this happening? I realise here I'm asking an impossible question.

Also, does it make me a bad person, (although i'm certainly not wishing this hell on anyone else), to wish someone who was fertile shared a bit of this burden instead of the same people all of the time?

Having a selfish/ contemplative/ pissed off moment. Sorry.

 ****************************************************

In my quest to be healthy/ skinny, I'm beginning a new detox diet with Forever Living. It involves 9 days of drinking aloe vera juice (think a mix of sweat and aspirin) and shakes. I've heard the results are good- I remain dubious as to whether I will actually be able to stick at it. Wish me luck!

One Year Anniversary

In 2 days time, it will be the anniversary of the day my life changed. In some ways, this feels worse than the EDD ever did. Back when it happened, I had no idea that a year from then I would still be stuck. Waiting. At that point I had it in my mind that a miscarriage is what every woman has to go through at some point. It was a blip. An anomaly. Unlikely to happen again.

Fast forward 12 months and I've had a second miscarriage and I've found out that DH has morphology issues with his sperm so the chance of me getting pregnant naturally is much reduced. I don't honestly know whether I will ever be ready to try again, or if it's even worth risking more heartache.

I have more good days than bad now, and my miscarriages are no longer the first thing on my mind upon waking, but I know the next few days are going to be bad.

Making happy changes in my life.

I have been looking for some time for some way to appreciate the life that I have more, to stop comparing myself to others and to find out what I really want.  After the second miscarriage I found myself talking to a few people about where to go next, what routes to take etc. I felt so much differently second time around- after the first miscarriage I was so desperate to be pregnant again immediately that it turned into an obesession that saw me becoming more and more frantic and despondent as time went on. After the second miscarriage though, the desperation just hasn't been there. Perhaps it's fear, which would be understandable, perhaps I am a bit more self aware this time and realise I need to allow myself time to grieve and reflect. All I know is at this stage I'm not sure I want to be pregnant (although in another way, I really do)- I'm confused.



My confused mindset is probably another blog post entirely, but I wanted to share something I found in a magazine with you ( as well as note these points down for posterity as I tend to recycle my mags). They're a set of guidelines if you will, on how to achieve happiness in your life. I'm heartened to see that a few of the pointers are things that I have actively, intuitively done since MC no. 2. I can't say I'm finding them easy- I am naturally inclined to be a glass slightly half empty person, but I can see how if I develop these things into habits, they will help me to improve and appreciate the great life I already have.

1. Spent 10/15 minutes a day clearing up clutter/keeping on top of paperwork.

2. Have at least 3 early nights per week.

3. Make time to think back and reminisce over your happy memories.

4. Take time out to laugh- be it a TV programme/ book night/comedy club.

5. Do something you loved to do when you were a child.

6. Dedicate time to an activity you've never done before that you need to learn.

7. Arrange new friend get togethers or go out and meet new people.

8. Record what you are grateful for every day in a gratitude diary.

9. Take time to lend support to people.

10. Plan time to spend having fun with friends and family- something to look forward to.

I'll be letting you know how I get on!

On the unfairness of life.

Last night I lost it a little bit.

I decided that what would be a really good idea would be to torture myself by looking at the photos of people on my facebook who had recently added to their families. A bit like the old programme 'Bullseye' where Jim Bowen would torment the losers at the end of the show with '...and this is what you could have won!'

In my case, I saw what I have lost. Those lovely pictures of a child meeting their younger brother or sister for the first time and the joy and pride on the faces of the parents. One 'friend' in particular, (i call them a friend, i don't really actually know them), is onto her third child, each with that 'perfect' 2 year gap between them. I imagine she has never known the pain of loss or even of having to try, month after relentless month to achieve something everyone else seems to be able to at the drop of a hat.

I flew into a bit of a rage. I wanted her to feel just an ounce of what I, and so many others i've met on this sad journey, have felt. I'm ashamed to say I wanted to wipe the smug smile off her face. It sometimes feels very cruel that the world keeps spinning when my babies are dead. I don't like having these feelings. I know they are irrational. I know everyone else's fertility has no bearing whatsoever on my own. I know, from the last few months speaking to people on Twitter and on a popular parenting website I frequent that my story is not, by any means the worst. I am super super lucky to have a child AT ALL, something which I've been keeping in mind A LOT since the last MC.
I have a lovely life, I have more than so many others in this world and I KNOW I should be grateful.

Some days are just so hard.

2013- A year in review.

So, 2013 started off with a bang- well a BFP at any rate. We’d been trying since April 2013, so it was a good 9 months, which I now realise in the IF world is not really all that long. Everything seemed to be going well, I’d heard of MMCs but I only knew one person IRL that had ever had one. My symptoms were less than when I’d had my DD, sure, but everything I read suggested that every pregnancy was different.

My life changed on Tuesday 26th February- I went into that 12 week scan without much of a worry. I’d already seen a healthy HB at 8 weeks. When I was told there was something wrong, my heart sank. It was confirmed as an MMC on 1/3/2013.

I went into meltdown for the next few months, angry at everything and everyone. My desperation to be pregnant again was overwhelming. 5 months later, I got my wish. Sadly, this pregnancy ended the same way. 1/10/2013, the bad news was confirmed.

So, 2013 has consisted of 2 MMCs and 2 ERPCS. It’s also consisted of about a million successful pregnancy announcements (or so it feels like). These events have overshadowed all of the good, and if I’m honest, there has been some good to come out of 2013. So today’s blog post is going to focus on the good, and forget the fact that this morning, the anniversary of that BFP, my period started to arrive (brilliant timing eh??) It seems the first day of the month is not a lucky day for me.

So, the positives…
1.) I found out who my true friends are- and I met some new ones who have helped me through this journey.
2.) I gained a clear realisation of just how precious and how much of a miracle my little DD is. I’d always taken for granted that I’d be able to have number 2 just as easily as I managed number 1. She was meant to be, pure and simple!
3.) I learned a bit of compassion.
4.) I went to Disneyland Paris and had the best family holiday ever.
5.) I went on two short cruises, just me and DH, and enjoyed that time away, just us two.
6.) We bought our first home, and it’s everything I ever wanted in a place.

I’m trying not to set my expectations too high for 2014. I have no control over the events that will happen or the obstacles that will be put in my path. My only wish is to do my best, to not let life drag me down as it did in 2013. To appreciate what I already have (and there are lots of things I already have that I wanted so much in the past). I want this to be the year that I take care of myself, and I mean that in so many different ways; my health, my sanity, my body.

I hope 2014 is kind to you all.